Think about the qualities you want to show toward the other person — like honesty, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and caring. Be honest — but not brutal. Tell the other person the things that attracted you in the first place, and what you like about him or her. Then say why you want to move on. Think of ways to be kind and gentle while still being honest.
Say it in person. You've shared a lot with each other. Respect that and show your good qualities by breaking up in person. If you live far away, try to video chat or at least make a phone call. Breaking up through texting or Facebook may seem easy. But think about how you'd feel if your BF or GF did that to you — and what your friends would say about that person's character!
If it helps, confide in someone you trust. It can help to talk through your feelings with a trusted friend. But be sure the person you confide in can keep it private until you have your actual break-up conversation with your BF or GF.
That's one reason why parents, older sisters or brothers, and other adults can be great to talk to. They're not going to blab or let it slip out accidentally.
DON'T: Don't avoid the other person or the conversation you need to have. Dragging things out makes it harder in the long run — for you and your BF or GF. Plus, when people put things off, information can leak out anyway. You never want the person you're breaking up with to hear it from someone else before hearing it from you. Don't rush into a difficult conversation without thinking it through.
You may say things you regret. Don't disrespect. Speak about your ex or soon-to-be ex with respect. Be careful not to gossip or badmouth him or her. Think about how you'd feel. You'd want your ex to say only positive things about you after you're no longer together. But Wadley says open lines of communication are essential to lasting, healthy partnerships. Instead of speaking up, they suppress how they feel, continue on with their dissatisfaction and feign contentment out of fear of feeling like a burden.
And the argument that ensues can wind up being more damaging to the relationship than it would have been if you had addressed it sooner. Hiding your true feelings about how your partner is treating you likely prolongs the unfulfilling relationship, rather than saves it, according to Wadley. Lindsay Chrisler, a New York-based dating and relationships coach says you should take stock of how your trusted family members and friends feel about your relationship.
Of course, when two people are in love and have spent years together or have started a family together, there is a stronger incentive to work out the problems, says Chrisler. I wish he had just admitted his wrongdoings and at least apologized. I got up — he was still asleep — got dressed, quietly packed a bag with some essentials, packed another bag with essentials for my then-two-year-old daughter, got her out of her crib, and fled. I called him later to tell him I wouldn't be coming home and to make arrangements for him to see our daughter.
I was 27 at the time and the fault of the marriage failing lay on both sides. For my part, I expected him to complete me. We were on the same page about everything at the time: home ownership, kids, even the age at which we wanted to have them 30 , etc. We were Sandy victims, and he claims that experience contributed to his decision. And I cried, a lot. To this day, I am convinced I mourned that relationship in reverse, meaning, I was a mess for three months, THEN made my move, and then cried some more only this time it was only for two days.
I met and married an amazing guy and we have a beautiful little boy turning two next month. I like to call my story a do-over. Ending a year relationship was probably the hardest decision I ever made, but it was the right one. The one specific moment was on my birthday. I had waited all day to hear from them. But nothing. No call, no email, no text message, nothing. Instead I got radio silence — that was it.
I will never forget that day. I took selfies in the sun. I went to cast parties and had a snuggle pile on a damp lawn with other tipsy theater kids. I went clubbing for the first time since I started seeing my ex. I found my freedom. The clubbing was especially liberating. After the breakup, I reveled and rebelled. I went out to gay bars and embraced my bisexuality, distancing myself from my previous relationship and reasserting my queer identity.
I danced on the tops of bars and on club stages. I wore my shortest skirts, highest heels, and reddest lipstick. I dove into my Snapchat story with gusto. I got number after number, smiled as widely as I could, and left the clubs exhausted, sore, satisfied, and solo. I slept starfish on my bed and gave myself permission to take up all the space.
I forget how to effectively self-care. I allow myself to become isolated and dependent. After my breakup, I extended friendship feelers in all directions. I let myself be swept along to late-night karaoke and cozy taverns, polo matches, and long walks through Newport.
I basked in new people, and found myself feeling more and more at home in my own skin. You may feel guilty for going out, or you may go out only to obsessively check your phone for the night, convinced your ex will text you. You might feel dirty for dancing with new people. You might feel ashamed for having fun, while the sad parts of you try to suck you back into the dark hole of Netflix and order-in pizza.
Go out anyway. Expert opinion: Grace Larson, a researcher at Northwestern University, told me that this desire to accept invitations was likely driven by my need to regain self-concept after the breakup. Going dancing was a reclamation of my independence. That predicts people being less lonely. That predicts people not ruminating on the breakup anymore. The farmers market became a weekend staple. I went shopping with my aunt and bought myself lush greens, miniature summer squash, ripe orchard apples, frozen lemonade.
I gave my body what it wanted. I planned recipes. I made mug after mug of green tea and French-press coffee. I absolutely spoiled myself. If I saw a bar of chocolate I wanted at the grocery store? It was mine.
Those vegan marshmallows? Why not? The world was my oyster. Going to the farmers market and creating a treat-myself food mentality was delightful. Coming home and realizing I would have to eat these bounties by myself? Not so much. I bought a beginner yoga pass at a local studio, and the entire experience was incredible. I breathed slowly, stretched, shook, and repeated the mantra: I am the only person on my mat. The practice of yoga became a way to ground myself in my own body and my own presence.
It was about taking care of myself and healing after an emotional trauma. It allowed me to recognize the way I was hurting without indulging in it. It was glorious. I left the studio feeling powerful, calm, and whole. Even if the feeling only lasted for five minutes, those five minutes were beautiful.
In addition to the yoga practice, I joined a gym close to my home and started attending group workout classes. My ex was a personal trainer and a football player: strong, hard-bodied, and confident in the presence of other athletes. I was a curved, uncoordinated gym-phobe who preferred to work out in the safety and privacy of my living room.
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